And You Thought Only Vampires Slept in Coffins

How often have you forigiven someone, then found yourself stewing about the offense later? Do you wonder if you really forgave them in the first place? If so, why do you find yourself needing to do it again? What is forgiveness anyway?

If we truly examine ourselves honestly, I'll bet we can all come up with incidences that still bother us, hurt us, offend us, tick us off. I could go on. If we are alive, something someone did, sometime, somewhere is bothering us. If you have never been hurt, you haven't been living life.

So what does it really mean to forgive? Recently, it was described as the ability to wish someone who offended us well and to no longer desire revenge or to harm the other person. Someone else told me it means that the relationship returns to the way it was before the offense. The offense is completely forgotten, disregarded as though it never happened. Others have said the offense is forgiven, but not forgotten, and that the relationship can be good, but never the same again. Where is the truth? As Christians, what is expected of us? There are several scriptures about forgiveness, as well as the ultimate example of forgiveness in God's forgiveness of our sins, through the sacrifice of Jesus. But reading scripture and thinking it sounds like a good idea is one thing. Walking the walk is another when we are in pain, isn't it?

Yet, in Matthew 18, he tells us this parable of the unmerciful servant:
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.
23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

I was recently listening to Christian radio while driving, and I heard a pastor addressing this issue. He said that a person had told him that he couldn't let people in emotionally because he had been hurt before. The pastor asked him if he enjoyed sleeping in his coffin. The man was confused and a bit put off by this comment and asked what he meant. The pastor answered that life is full of times when we get hurt. But we have the unique ability to ask for help from God to forgive, and move on, and get past the hurts. Insulating ourselves emotionally might seem like a neat and tidy solution, but what we are really doing is climbing into our coffins prematurely. God put us here and breathed life into us so that we can live life, love one another, and learn from the journey. We become stronger through trials. By allowing God to bring us through them, we gain strength, wisdom, knowledge and most importantly, faith that God can bring us through any situation. In short, live life.

I've heard someone use the excuse, "Well, I've been hurt before. I guess I'm just weak, because I don't want to be hurt again. So I don't really get close to people." What a load of rubbish! Everyone has been hurt if they are alive. That's not a unique experience. We don't have a right to wallow in self-pity. It's a poor excuse for unforgiveness. If someone hurts us, it's not a choice to build a monument to the event and hold it up as a shield against other people who have not hurt us. It's just plain unacceptable and lazy. Jesus didn't say forgiveness would be easy. He said forgive.

In Psalms we are warned that we must forgive so that we can serve God:
"But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you."Psalm 130:3-5
and in Colossians 3, we learn it is part of what makes us a new creature in Christ:
12So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;
13bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

In this chapter, he also reminds us that to live as the old man, is to be one of the "sons of disobedience" who is worthy of his wrath.

So we must make ourselves become vulnerable to those who would like to befriend us. We also may need to examine why we become offended. Are we too easily offended? Do we fail to give our fellow humans the benefit of the doubt, and therefore become prickly? In my experience, forgiveness involves a dose of soul-searching. It also requires courage to go to the other person and tell them what has offended you. It also takes courage to admit your own part in the situation. We've all heard the addages, "It takes two to tango," and "There are two sides to every story." True forgiveness requres us to own our own mistakes and taking responsibility for making the situation as right as we can. In Danny Silk's book, "A Culture of Honor" he says, we have to clean up our own messes. The Golden Rule pops up here, too, because we need to treat the other person as we would like to be treated in this delicate situation. It might be quite satisfying to our carnal nature to give them a piece of our mind, say "I told you so," or something similar, but how would that make you feel if they turned that around on you? Tread lightly and pray, pray, pray.

Nextly, we must rely on God's ability to supernaturally help us to forgive. Corrie Ten Boom told of her experience in the concentration camps in World War II. God performed many miracles for her and her sister. But one guard seemed to have it out for her sickly sister, and beat her. Eventually, her sister died of typhus in the camp. She hated the guard and intended to continue hating him. Then, after the war, she truly accepted Jesus, and at a meeting one night, the speaker introduced a man to the crowd, saying he had been a guard at the camp, was a new Christian, and felt deep remorse for his role in the abuse and death that happened. She recognized him as the guard she had sworn never to forgive. She fought another war in her heart as the Holy Spirit urged her toward him and to forgive him. She couldn't do it on her own. But she struck a bargain with God that if she just extended her hand to clasp his in a handshake, then God would do the rest and provide His forgiveness to her, as she felt she had none to give. Because she loved God, and knew his sacrifice he had made to forgive her while she was still a sinner, she extended her hand. She wrote that forgiveness literally poured over her head and down her arm. God had supernaturally provided the forgiveness. She was able to see him for the poor, pathetic man who genuinely regretted his actions, and she felt what forgiveness really was.

I don't think I have a neat and tidy description of what forgiveness is. It may change and grow over time, as relationships are more fully restored, and we are more fully able to love our fellow man again. Maybe we forgive, and extend grace, then learn to trust. Maybe that's when it is forgotten. Maybe we aren't meant to forget, so that then we can testify to God's greatness in overcoming evil. Maybe forgiveness is what sets us apart from the world. I only know it's not optional.